We Belong to the Shadows

Fe once told me the stars shine only for the sad creatures.

“If you follow the tract,” he said as we crouched behind the hedge, “which only the broken-hearted can see, you will reach the shore of Promises. Take a porcelain bottle with you. If you fill it with the water there and stare into it, you can wash away your sadness - the water is made of hope.”

“That would be tragic,” I said to him, “what will those people turn to every night if their sadness is gone?”

“Well, I thought hope would fill their hearts…”

“I don’t have that much faith in hope,” I said faintly, “It’s too slight and fuzzy. I’ll never feel safe with it the way I do for sadness. I can rely on sadness. I know it will be with me no matter what I do, and who I’ll become. It will never abandon me to the horrifying loneliness.”

“What’s wrong with loneliness?”

“It’s horrible…horrible! I can’t bear to think of it,” I got suddenly very upset.

“You are only twelve. Those thoughts will go away when you turn sixteen,” he smiled, “look, I’m sixteen now and I felt suddenly very sure of who I am.”

”Really?”

”Yes! In fact, the night stars had talked to me, and asked me to be their new night shadow.”

”What is that?”

”Taking care of the lonely people.”

”That’s a terrible job. I’d never want that.”

”You are just jealous,” Fe raised his voice, “and very petty!”

I burst out into a cry, so loud that I felt my eardrums bled from my own voice.

Fe felt embarrassed; he looked around and said quietly, “I’m sorry…don’t cry…hey, how about that I promise you I will be your shadow whenever you feel lonely? I think they said I can be there for different people at the same time.”

“Wow, you can do that?”

“Yeah…but only at night, when the moon is bright enough to put shadows on your wall. I think that’s the shadow I can be…other shadows are other people.”

“Ok,” my face lightened up with excitement, “In that case, I’ll never close my curtains!”

“Deal!”

“Deal!”

That night, the stars were very bright; when he pointed out to me, I can see the tract he was saying.

It led us to a shore.

He asked whether I’d like to stare into his porcelain bottle before he filled it with water. I shook my head and detested, “No! No! Get that away from me! Don’t take my sadness away!” It upset him. In a fury, he hurled the bottle into the water, which cracked against a rock before swirling away unwillingly.

Then, he said goodbye, and walked into the sea.

I was very happy for him. My eyes were filled with tears, and my heart with anticipation for my new shadow – my loyal, devoted Fe! I walked back giddily and told mum what happened. For a moment, her face went pale, body frozen. She put on her coat, picked up her bag and pulled me by the arms into her car.

Outside, was a mid-summer’s night.

The wind warmly caressed my face like the tender silk dress mum used to wear. My tiny body curled in her, at that time, seemingly endless silk – so long that I felt I was in another world – a world where nothing could hurt me. I stared at the bright stars, and wondered what Fe’s doing, now that he had become the shadow. Perhaps, he had to go to the stars first to be greeted. At this thought, the star I stared at twinkled at me. Immediately, I knew that’s him - staring at me back.

I waved at him with my right hand.

When mum pulled up her car next to Fe’s family house, she asked me to stay quiet no matter what they say or ask. I nodded - I knew she’d always watch out for me more than I do for myself. When I was in the hospital for my stomach-ache, I was in so much pain that I told the doctor to take my stomach out of me. But the doctor said no matter how painful my stomach is, I should always try my best to keep it. In fact, I should try my best to keep all my organs, my teeth, my limbs. That’s what people do. And that’s how I know my mum will keep me - for I was and will always be part of her womb.

Like a good girl, I stayed quiet when she talked shakingly with Fe’s parents.

Everyone was crying, screaming and shouting. The air in the room felt dense and heavy – so heavy that I struggled to breathe. My breath became shallow and effortful, which mum noticed and handed me my inhaler. “She has asthma,” she said to Fe’s parents, “Poor kid, she must’ve been so shocked and devasted. Felix’s her only friend.”

I shook my head, and ran outside for some fresh air.

I didn’t agree at all with what she said. First, I don’t have asthma. There’s no virus or disease in my lung - for my lung loves me – and it doesn’t happen randomly. I told her that my struggle to breathe only happens when a room is filled with sadness. And the struggle, though physically painful, is not unpleasant to me. In fact, my short of breath is from my excitement knowing my sadness could belong to a room. But she never took it seriously, so over time I gave up explaining all together. Second, I wasn’t shocked or devasted. Rather, I felt so much happiness for Fe to be my shadow. This way, he will always be with me in those long, lonely nights, along with my precious sadness.

I peeked inside - they were still crying, screaming, shouting.

Adults confuse me sometimes. Why are they not proud of Fe to be the new shadow? Don’t they want Fe’s life to go beyond this little block where all we do is sleep on our tiny, bug-infected beds, and pray to an invisible man that mum insists it’s there? Maybe they are jealous that Fe didn’t promise to be the shadow for them - only for me. Yeah… maybe mum told them about that, and that’s why they are crying. I walked inside when my breathing became normal. Fe’s parents started asking me questions about what happened today. I answered them one by one; sometimes I told them everything, sometimes I ended unfinished when mum squeezed my hand. They looked at me with a mixture of rage and sympathy.

That night, mum and I left hurriedly.

She had a cold look in her the way that I had never seen before. I wanted to ask her about their crying but her look scared me, so I kept my mouth shut throughout the ride back. The moment I got out of the car, she pulled me aside and told me not to tell anyone about today. In fact, I should forget today’s incident all together. I nodded, and went back to my room to sleep. As promised to Fe, I kept my curtain open. My eyelids were so tired that they kept falling into themselves, but I tried my best to stay awake because I miss Fe. And I know he will visit me today.

Outside, the nightingales started to sing which instantly alarmed me.

The nightingales are always at the opposite part of the town, where there are dense shrubs for them to sing in deep cover. They will never come to our flatland block, that has nothing but hideous daylight. My hands curled into fists with sweat, as I stretched my duvet to cover my face. Slowly, the moon changed its position, with a shadow stretching itself from my window. I knew that’s my Fe! I jumped out of the bed, and hugged the wall with my arms, my chest.

“Fe, is that you? Are you visiting me?”

A knock on the wall.

“Where did you go after you went into the sea?”

Another knock on the wall.

“Talk to me,“ I felt slightly irritated, “Did you lose your voice?”

“I…I’m afraid you will be scared of my voice,” he spoke. His voice sounded like the mish-mash of the hissing of the wind, the swaying of the leaves, the rolling of the sea. Every pitch, rise and fall, of his voice was made of natural elements that are incompatible with the faculties of living things - as if nature itself assumed as a man, and spoke to me. In fact, the speech was almost indistinguishable to nature’s white noises that I didn’t know why I understood a word of it.

I started to cry out of fear, “Your voice is scary…so scary!”

“I’m sorry my little Lottie,” he spoke, “I can be quiet if you want.”

“No! No! I felt the horrible loneliness today because no one understand how happy I am for you to be my shadow. And now, I’m so happy that my sadness won’t come out to be with me. I’m completely on my own!” I started to cry loudly at this thought, “and I hate it! Hate it! So don’t go! I would rather be scared of your voice than be left with this loneliness.”

“Ok…Ok…Calm down Lottie,” His voice now resembled more of the quiet sea, which, though was still strange to my ears, soothed my nerves. “I knew you would understand, my sweetest Lottie. I’m sure my parents were very upset for me to go like that…but I told them again and again that I don’t want to be there. Don’t you think it strange how mummy prays to the invisible man like that before we go to sleep and eat? Adults are supposed to make more sense…I see my mum take care of her bills, her house, our school things so orderly that I know her brain is wired in the right way. And you know, It made me think perhaps they could see him, and only we couldn’t. Perhaps, he doesn’t want to be seen by us because we are not welcomed in this life.”

“Yes… our mums only wanted us here because we are part of their organs. You know I found out from the doctor that people would do everything they can to keep all their organs. And to our mums, we are part of their wombs so they will do everything to keep us there,” I responded. “But who cares about that invisible man they pray to…we should be more kind to them because they can only see him, and we could see a lot more! Do you remember the one-eyed triangle face who was hanging on the tree outside of my room a while ago? And how our cats take out their masks at night to become beautiful pale girls? And the poor crying man in our closets that we comfort every now and then…? There are so many!”

“I know…” his voice turned into the hissing wind, which sounded giddy, “And you know, I’m with them right now! Everything you described I can see now and much more. I think this is where we belong - we were born in the wrong place.”

His words excited me. “Can you take me with you? Nobody understand me here, and I don’t really understand them. Tonight, your parents and my mum got so upset that I felt very lonely in my own happiness.”

He paused for a moment.

“I can but…” he hesitated; his voice now turned into the slight swaying of crispy dead leaves you see hanging in autumn. “I think you would be better off if you die naturally…In here, natural death people will be given more exciting things to do.”

“But I have to wait for a long time…who knows when I’ll be lucky enough to die! I want to be there with you right now!”

“I know I know…” his voice turned to the soothing sea once again, “I still think it’s for the best. You know I only want the best for you Lottie.”

“Ok…I guess I should listen to you,” I responded reluctantly. “So If I wait for my death, I will be with you there?”

“Well…” he again hesitated sounding like the swaying crispy leaves. “You have to do something that your mum would’ve punished you for…”

“What do you mean?”

“If you die good, you know in our mums’ standards, you will be going off with that invisible man…”

“No! No! I don’t want that…he doesn’t even welcome us here - how can he welcome me there?”

“Yeah…besides they say it’s boring there…people just sit in silence all day and all night...”

“So what do I need to do… like skipping my homework?”

“No it has to be more than that…You need to kill.”

“No! I don’t want to kill…I can’t bear the smell of blood and how it sticks to my hand…you remember how disgusted I was when I had the nosebleed that time.”

“Well, what about the cat?”

“No…I can’t! She’s such a pretty girl at night. I like to look at her pale dainty face and listen to her soft little purr…There’s so much sadness in that purr,” I responded. “What if I kill a cockroach or an ant by stamping on them.”

“I don’t know… they are harmful for people so I think killing them would just be self-defence. The invisible man will tolerate that.”

“Not necessarily…” I responded, “there’s a spider that comes to my room to sleep next to me. Big one – almost the same size as my foot! It never tried to harm me, and I know it doesn’t want to. It’s just a poor lonely creature who wants some warmth. So if I kill it, doesn’t that count as something bad?”

“I guess so…” he responded.

“Ok…I’ll do that tomorrow,” I yawned. “I’m so tired now Fe, I’ll go to sleep. Good night!”

“Good night.”

“Will you be here with me when I sleep?”

“Always. I’ll keep that horrible loneliness away.”

I smiled and drifted into a dream.

When I awoke the next day, I did nothing but waiting for the spider to come. I sat on the edge of my bed, my feet dangling in the air. But it didn’t come that day. Or the day after. Or the day after that. Slowly, I stopped waiting for it. But one day, almost when I had forgotten it, it came to my bed to sleep next to me. I waited after it settled on my bed - licking its legs to soothe itself - and dozed off. I stood on my bed; stamping on it again and again till I was sure it’s dead. At the first blow, the spider was jolted awake and panicking in shock – its long legs dangling around in confusion. But after the fifth one, when it realised I was trying to kill it, it stopped fighting and let me finish my job.

I was devasted. I sat in my room for days to mourn its death, but I knew Fe’s worth it. Since that day, mum had hired Anne to talk to me. She referred to Fe as my imaginary friend because she said to my mum (which I heard through my thin bedroom wall) that even though I’m older than the ideal age, I still have the potential to fictionalise this event like all the other kids. She also said I killed that spider to deal with the pain… I couldn’t be bothered to explain: I knew adults belong to the invisible man and me and Fe belong to the shadows - of course, they wouldn’t understand me! Now, all I need to do is patiently wait for my death…when Fe will come to me with his shadow cape, and we will fly far far away.